Lyrics Sketches - The Superlative vacuum cleaner

Scene: The hall of a house
Characters: A vacuum cleaner salesman, a
housewife
The salesman rings the doorbell several
times.
Housewife: Yes, I'm coming.
(She opens the door.)
Housewife: Good morning.
Salesman: Good morning, young lady. Is
your mother in?
Housewife: My mother? I'm the mother in
this house. What do you want?
Salesman: Dust, madam.
Housewife: Dust?
Salesman: Yes, madam. Dust.
Housewife: I haven't got any dust.
Salesman: Oh yes you have!
(He shakes dust onto the floor
from a paper bag.)
Salesman: All over your carpet!
Housewife: Hey! I've just cleaned this carpet!
Why are you putting dust
all over it?
Salesman: Don't worry, madam. I've got
the answer to all your problems
here! The Superlative vacuum
cleaner!
Housewife: The Superlative vacuum cleaner!
Why's it called 'Superlative'?
Salesman: Because, madam, everything
about it is superlative. It's the
quickest, the cleanest, the
cheapest, the smallest, the
smartest, the most economical,
the most effective, the most
beautiful, the most revolutionary
vacuum cleaner in the
world. And it's only £65.
Housewife: Are you trying to sell me a vacuum
cleaner?
Salesman: Yes, madam.
Housewife: Well, go on, then.
Salesman: I've finished, madam.
Housewife: Finished? You haven't said very
much. What sort of a vacuum
cleaner salesman are you?
Salesman: Not a very good one, I'm afraid.
Housewife: I can see that.
Salesman: No, I'm a very bad vacuum
cleaner salesman. In fact, I'm
the worst salesman in our company.
Housewife: The worst?
Salesman: The worst, I sometimes think
I'm the worst vacuum cleaner
salesman in the world.
Housewife: Oh, dear. Do you like your job?
Salesman: Like my job? No, madam, I
detest my job. It's the most
boring job in the world. Every
day it's the same: 'Good morning,
young lady. Is your mother
in?...The Superlative vacuum
cleaner...The quickest, the
cleanest, the cheapest, the
smallest...'
Housewife: Well, is it the quickest?
Salesman: No, it's probably the slowest.
Housewife: Is it the cleanest?
Salesman: Cleanest? Don't make me
laugh! I don't think there's a
dirtier vacuum cleaner on the
market. And it certainly isn't the
cheapest either.
Housewife: No, no, no. This is no good at
all.
Salesman: Pardon?
Housewife: Look, do you want to sell this
vacuum cleaner or don't you?
Salesman: I suppose so.
Housewife: Well, your sales technique is all
wrong.
Salesman: Is it?
Housewife: Yes. I could sell vacuum cleaners
better than you,
Salesman: No, you couldn't.
Housewife: Yes, I could. I'll show you. You
come into the house, and I'll
ring the bell and sell the vacuum
cleaner to you.
Salesman: You'll sell the vacuum cleaner to
me?
Housewife: Yes.
Salesman: OK. But it isn't as easy as you
think.
Housewife: We'll see. Go inside and shut
the door.
Salesman: All right,
(The salesman goes into the
house and closes the door. The
housewife rings the bell. The
salesman opens the door.)
Salesman: Not today, thank you,
(He closes the door. The housewife
rings the bell again. The
salesman opens the door again,
and speaks in a high voice.)
Salesman: Yes?
Housewife: Hello!
Salesman: Hello,
Housewife: My goodness me, what a beautiful
house you've got!
Salesman: Ooh, do you like it?
Housewife: Like it? It's the most beautiful
house I've seen for a long time.
Salesman: Thank you very much, may I
come in?
Salesman: Er ..
Housewife: Thank you, Oh, what a colorful
carpet!
Salesman: Yes, it's lovely, isn't it?
Housewife: It's the most colorful carpet I've
seen. I should think it was
expensive.
Salesman: The most expensive one in the
shop.
Housewife: And I suppose you've got a very
good vacuum cleaner to look
after it.
Salesman: A vacuum cleaner? No, I
haven't.
Housewife: You haven't got a vacuum
cleaner?
Salesman: No.
Housewife: Well, madam, this is your lucky
day, because I have here the
best vacuum cleaner that
money can buy: the Superlative
vacuum cleaner.
Salesman: Is it really good?
Housewife: Good? Good? It's the...the...
Salesman: (In his own voice) Quickest
Housewife: ...the quickest, the...
Salesman: Cleanest,
Housewife: ...the cleanest, the cheapest,
the smallest, the smartest, the
most economical, the most
effective, the most beautiful,
the most revolutionary vacuum
cleaner in the world.
Salesman: (In a high voice again) Ooh!
How much is it?
Housewife: Just £65 to you, madam
Salesman: I'll buy one.
Housewife: Good
Salesman: (In his own voice) Er...where's
the money?
Housewife: It's in my handbag on the
kitchen table.
Salesman: Oh, right. (In the high voice) I'll
just go and get some money.
He goes to the kitchen to get
the money.
Housewife: Good idea, madam. You've
made the right decision.
(The salesman comes back,
speaking in his own voice.)
Salesman: Do you know, you're a fantastic
saleswoman.
Housewife: Ooh!
Salesman: You've got a fantastic sales
technique.
Housewife: Do you think so?
Salesman: Yes, you've got the best sales
technique I've seen all day.
Housewife: Thank you!
Salesman: Thank you, madam.
(He leaves and closes the door.)
Salesman: (Speaking to himself, counting
the money) Ten, twenty, thirty,
forty, fifty, sixty, sixty-five. Now
that's the way to sell a vacuum
cleaner.