Lyrics nouns - I still want to make you proud

"

infected youth
grow spokesmen of gray

she loved him so
and he left
he said he wished her to die
and she cried
closer, still
to whatever may come of heartbreak

then she found her self self sea sick
lost in an ocean
without her pharmacy fisherman
and she found it was too hard
to stand up on her own

she wished she could die

never mind
the growing weight
in what she can't stomach

left in the womb all alone
she lost that baby on her own
she just laid still

left in the womb all alone
she lost that baby on her own
she became still

after that she never felt right
she just laid still
still

never told anyone about the child
she just stayed still
still

she told me
and I cried,
still

and I died,
I died a small bit
I died

and now I think about it all the time
would it be better
would it be nicer
than me

I hope that I'm not right
I can't face that kind of life
shadowed by someone never alive

but how could she love me
after her heart was broken in two

how could she be proud
after her heart was taken from her

I wonder about my sibling
if a heaven has a
place
for
her

but god you work so strangely

you take smiles so quickly
so quietly

a blade can cut so quickly
but my legs won't die so quietly
i don't want to keep going

I've got to keep going

if not for my mother,
then for the one we've lost

still,
a better world
a nicer world
how can I redeem myself
for my
failure

I'll never know her
she was never here
I am failing
to live on
for myself
I'm sorry
I love you
I'm sorry
I didn't
say it enough

you could've asked
why I am alive

why am
I
alive

"

— J.D.